Finding The Joy of Sex: My Journey to Self-Discovery
Catholic Beginnings
Born in the mid-70's and raised Catholic in a small Midwestern town, the pleasure of sex was not a topic of everyday (or even EVER) conversation. My first memory of something sexual was finding "The Joy of Sex" book on a table in my neighbor's basement. Child-like curiosity got the best of us grade-schoolers, and as quick as the dial of a rotary phone we were excitedly and embarrassingly thumbing through the pages. We experienced such silent JOY in the secret of sex!
Catholic School Rules
Fast forward to four years in Catholic high school where sex-education consisted of two things: 1) Girls' plaid uniform skirts must be to the knees and 2) NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE. Looking back, I suppose girls followed one or the other rule, likely not both! And we most certainly did not talk about the later…until my best friend got pregnant at age 16. Secrecy, shame, and a baby given up for adoption 10 months later understandably made "joy" one of the last words I'd use to describe sex.
College Freedom
Off to college in the early '90's and I reveled in a whole new, wonderful world of freedom via dorm life! I had some fun experiences, but nothing really knocked my socks off (sorry boys if you read this…I hope you've learned a lot since then, as I have…for example, CLITORIS!)
I first saw the love of my life (now married to him for nearly 30 years!) across the room while attending my very first college house party. In that moment I pointed to him and exclaimed to my friends "That's the man I'm going to marry!" It did take a few years of me admiring him from afar, and a lot of law of attraction (before it was a thing!), until he finally noticed me.
Throughout my final years of college my sexual knowledge grew as my roommates/besties for life and I were candid about alllllllll the things (imagine how freeing this was as most of us were in Catholic school all our lives up until college). Sadly, the most remarkable things I remember about sex in college are the STD scares and knowledge of (and no reporting of) sexual assaults. RIP to our innocence.
Adult Life Realities
After graduation, my circle of friends grew. Together, in our twenties and thirties, we experienced marriages, pregnancies, babies, careers, and travels. Together we endured miscarriages, parental loss, affairs, sicknesses, counseling, and divorces.
In my own life, as I approached my 40's, the reality of balancing work, family and friendships felt more exhausting than exhilarating. "Is this all there is?", I wondered. It seemed like something was missing, and I did not feel content with settling. I knew it was on me to find the JOY, so, purchased and read the "Joy of Sex" for my generation….. "Fifty Shades of Grey".
The Awakening
OH HELLLLLLLLLLLLLO! This is where all the fun was hiding! Eyes opened, knees trembling, tongue wagging, panties soaked…off I went to my annual physical to ask my long-time primary care doctor for a pill to make me feel THAT way! If you read it, you know it…the Christian Grey/Anastasia Steele way! Screw responsibilities, I wanted to be filled with the joy of explosive passion! Realistic, right?
Turns out…..YES, it was realistic! Here is (paraphrased) what my MD, 10 years my senior, told me that ever-so-wonderfully-fateful-day…."There is no magic pill, yet red hot passion is absolutely achievable at our age. A woman's brain is her biggest sex organ. We must each explore our own body, in our own time, in our own way, in our own space. Let your mind be free of shame surrounding sex and self-pleasure. Once you learn yourself (pointing to my head and my lap) inside and out, you will "cum" (with a wink!) to experience THE joy of sex. Having confidence in your own body, knowing what feels good to you, then communicating that to a partner will provide you with Level 11 solo AND partner sex. My prescription to you is: get some sex tools- and have sex with yourself." She followed that up with…."I did not learn that in med school.", and another wink.
First Attempts
Next stop? The sex store. HUMBLING! Too shy to ask for advice, I purchased a vibrating penis-y looking item. I did not follow all the doctor's orders because as soon as I got home, I promptly introduced our new friend to my husband. (And now, looking back, we absolutely were not using the toy right at all! More humbling!)
THEN COVID HIT. I was afraid I would die during Covid, and that my parents would have to clean out my house and find our sex toy! So I packed it up securely, inside a bag, then another bag, and then sealed it up in a box. Into the trash it went; it was a dreadful feeling that lasted until the post-Covid world opened up again.
The Discovery
After Covid, while scrolling on Instagram, I came upon a post from a gal talking candidly about the nerve-filled clitoris and how she revived her joy in sex with a clit-stimulating toy. I had not used a "sucker" before, so this intrigued me enough that I followed her link, and five days later my new JOY arrived!
This time I followed ALL the doctor's orders. LO AND BEHOLD, THIS HAD BEEN THE MISSING PUZZLE PIECE! That $90 toy brought me one of the most intense orgasms I had experienced up until that day…at 40-something years old! And based on that one Instagram post and subsequent purchase, I learned, better late than never, that the secret to my wall-shaking, sheet-soaking, JOY had been hiding under a little hood of skin. She just needed specially dedicated rumbly attention to WAKE THE HELL UP!
Enlightenment
And thank God she did! My mood, my energy, my love life, my productivity, my contentment….all became aligned and satisfied. I'm eternally grateful, and in turn, (s)expressive in encouraging others to give time, space and energy to self-pleasure to thoroughly enjoy life-changing orgasmic enlightenment!
NOW IS THE TIME. XO
