Rediscovering My Sexuality: A Journey of Healing and Self-Discovery by Marcella Hill
The Early Years
I had no libido for years and years. I thought that was natural after 8 years of marriage. In my first marriage I had to beg for sex. We would go months without anything until I finally would break down crying and asking why he didn't want me.
After my first marriage ended I started dating and discovered that I had not been the problem. When dating the man I am now married to, we would have sex all the time. He showed me things I had never tried in my 9 years of being married.
The problem with us being sexually active was that I was Mormon and having sex outside of marriage was a sin. I was risking my eternal salvation. So we hurried up and got married. Sex continued to be really good and often.
The Decline
About 8 years into our marriage a lot had happened. Loss of romance, we were older, kids were older, fights had happened, hurt had been caused, we had lost the spark and connection. I thought all of that was natural in a marriage.
I thought my role as a wife was to make sure my husband's needs were fulfilled even if I didn't feel like having sex. I felt that if I helped with the dishes and dinner then I would need to show my gratitude through sex. My body wanted it less and less.
I would work late, I would avoid going to bed at the same time. We tried reading books, we tried marriage counseling, more dates, new toys, lingerie, and I even started having a glass of wine even though at the time it was against my religion.
I remember him asking me why I had to get drunk to have sex with him. And I realized that's exactly what I was doing. Once we had sex it was always good and I'd always think, why doesn't my body want this or ask for this, it's so good.
But it felt like no matter what I did, no matter what supplements I tried, no matter how romantic he was my body would not turn on. This went on for several years until a friend suggested I get my hormones checked.
Medical Interventions
I went to my OB and she tested my levels and said I was in normal range. But I had a prolapsed uterus that was causing my back pain and discomfort during sex and that could be the reason I don't have a libido. She recommended a partial hysterectomy. She said that it would fix all my problems and since I was keeping my ovaries that my hormones wouldn't be affected.
A year after the hysterectomy I fell into deep depression. My body hurt more than ever. And I was disconnecting from everyone I cared about. Nothing brought me joy and I sure as hell didn't want to have sex. I thought I was going crazy. I didn't feel that I loved my husband anymore. I thought we were going to get a divorce.
Another friend suggested I get hormone therapy from a hormone therapy clinic. I called them right away and started on testosterone as soon as possible.
The Awakening
Within 2 days I was sleeping all night. After a week I had a regular amount of joyful energy throughout the day. I remember asking my family if they wanted to play games and pop popcorn at 8pm and that was new. I wasn't counting down the hours until bedtime.
My body didn't hurt after a few months. I could run again! I felt like I had gotten my body back. But my libido wasn't there yet. I thought for sure my marriage was over. I went out of town to contemplate leaving and what my future looked like.
When I got home I was standing in the kitchen when he opened the front door and my body zinged on. It heated up as if I was in Jr High and my crush just walked by and smiled at me. I had no idea my body could do this after 12 years of marriage.
I didn't care if the dishes or laundry were done, I just wanted him to rip my clothes off and put me up against the wall and do me. My body wanted it! It wanted it more than I knew was possible. I had to carry a vibrator around with me in my purse. It was a little ridiculous, but so fun. Eventually it settled down to a manageable level of pleasure.
Confronting Shame
With this new sexual energy came a surprising amount of shame. I didn't know how to confidently be my best self while wanting sex. I thought women that want a crazy amount of sex are sluts. I realized that I thought sex was something that happened to me and took something away from me.
I didn't know that sex was something that could light my soul and make me shine. I had no idea that it could add to me. This sexual shame had to go. I forced myself to listen to books that challenged my belief system. I wanted to learn a new way of thinking about my body and about sex.
I listened to books and podcasts, I listened to audio porn and watched porn. I started to own my sexuality. Watching and listening to women be sexually confident and be turned on and leading their experience was very new.
I saw how a woman showing up as a goddess that offered herself as a privilege for anyone to share in was an experience I had never understood. I'm a sexual goddess? My husband is privileged to participate with my body? Orgasm is healthy for my soul? Sex can be inspiring and illuminating? Sex can bring us both confidence, fun, and immense pleasure? I had never thought of sex as a priority to a happy healthy life.
A New Marriage
This changed everything. Now I wanted to experience my body in all the ways I didn't know I could. I become more vocal about what I wanted to try. I collected all the toys. We tried lots of new things. I had to learn that when I didn't like some of these new things I didn't have to judge them I could simply know they aren't for me.
I was learning what my body wanted and how she felt pleasure. My husband and I were able to talk about possible new experiences that I didn't know husbands and wives talked about. Would you ever want to have a threesome? Would you ever want to be with a girl? Tell me about your first time? Tell me about your worst time. Would you ever want to do this crazy massage thing in Vegas? What's your favorite kind of porn? What do you want to try that we've never done before? Would you ever consider an open marriage?
The openness and honesty that started to exist in my marriage was beyond anything I had imagined. Marriage didn't have to exist in a tiny "good marriage" box. Now we were creating something that was uniquely ours. It allowed us to both get to know ourselves and in turn get to know each other.
Conclusion: Alive Again
Turning myself back on has changed everything. I have passion and energy. I sing and dance around the house. I can feel feelings and teach my family to feel feelings. Turns out that wanting and desire are the fuel that we need to feel ALIVE!
Women deserve to feel awake and alive. We deserve to have passion running through our veins. Women feeling turned on will change the world!
