Sexual desire or libido during perimenopause and menopause is an essential part of our overall sexual well-being. It's that spark that can make us feel alive, connected, and oh-so-human. But did you know there are two main types of sexual desire? You are more layered than only getting horny when you see a hottie pumping gas (...wait…why are they in slow motion?). There is spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Each operates differently and impacts our sex lives in unique ways. 

Before we jump in, you may not be feeling fully yourself right now and that is okay. Seeking information about your sexual wellness is a huge step toward reconnecting with yourself and getting your sexy back. You got this, girl!…Okay, lets jump in! 

Spontaneous desire often pops up out of nowhere, like a surprise party for your libido, and is generally dependent on hormones. It’s the kind that can hit you while you're folding laundry or stuck in traffic. On the flip side, responsive desire needs a bit more coaxing. It usually kicks in after some form of stimulation or intimacy has already begun.

Our age can throw another twist into the mix. Sexual desire changes with age, starting during perimenopause when those hormonal shifts start playing their tricks. But here's the kicker—understanding these changes is crucial for maintaining a fulfilling sex life as we grow older. After all, who says pleasure has an expiration date?

This blog will discuss:

• Understanding spontaneous desire and its limitations
• How to embrace responsive desire
• How to navigate sexual desire during perimenopause and menopause
• Strategies to increase libido after menopause

The Dynamics of Sexual Desire: Exploring Spontaneous and Responsive Aspects

Let's dive into the fascinating world of sexual desire, where two main types take center stage: spontaneous and responsive. Imagine spontaneous desire as a firework show—you know, that sudden flash of excitement that hits you out of the blue. Experts like Dr. Rosemary Basson have extensively researched this type of desire and it is a cornerstone of the traditional sexual response model proposed by Masters & Johnson.

Understanding Spontaneous Desire

Spontaneous desire often gets top billing in discussions about sex. It's that immediate, intense urge to get intimate without any particular external trigger—think about those horny 20-something moments, when everything seemed a little easier, and the mere thought of your partner sends tingles down your spine. According to Dr. Basson’s research spontaneous desire displays:

• Immediate Reaction: It occurs suddenly and can be sparked by anything or nothing at all.
• Initiation Role: It's often responsible for initiating sexual activity, giving you that initial push towards intimacy.
• Common in Early Relationships: This type of desire is frequently observed in the early stages of a relationship when everything feels new and exciting.

Critiques and Limitations

You might be wondering if spontaneous desire is the gold standard for everyone. Spoiler alert—it’s not! While it’s often glorified in media and society, this model has its critiques and limitations:

• Not Universally Applicable: Many people don't experience frequent spontaneous desire, especially as they age or go through life changes like menopause.
• Pressure and Expectations: The emphasis on spontaneous desire can create unrealistic expectations, leading to feelings of inadequacy or concern if one doesn't always feel that sudden urge.
• Diverse Experiences: Human sexuality is incredibly diverse. Focusing solely on spontaneous desire overlooks the nuanced ways people experience sexual arousal and interest.

Dr. Basson's work highlights these nuances, suggesting that understanding different types of sexual desire can lead to more fulfilling intimate relationships.

In a nutshell, while spontaneous desire can act as a powerful catalyst for sexual activity, it's essential to recognize its limitations and embrace other forms of desire to truly appreciate the spectrum of human sexuality. So while we’d love to blame perimenopause on just not wanting it anymore, maybe there’s more to it that we just hadn’t known.

Embracing Responsive Desire: A Shift in Perspective

What Is Responsive Desire?

Unlike spontaneous desire, responsive desire is more like enjoying a delicious meal that becomes even better with each bite. Responsive desire changes the traditional way we think about sexual desire. Instead of waiting for a sudden burst of lust, it grows gradually in response to certain things. It's like how a great conversation during dinner can lead to an intimate night. This type of desire is common and valid, especially in models of sexual response where the journey is just as important as the end result.

The Impact of Situation and Triggers

Responsive desire is strongly influenced by the situation, triggers, and internal factors:

• Situation: A loving touch from your partner after a stressful day.
• Triggers: Sensual music or a romantic movie.
• Internal Factors: Your emotional state and overall well-being.

Emily Nagoski often talks about "brakes and accelerators" in sexual response. Imagine you're driving a car; accelerators are things that turn you on (e.g., feeling loved and appreciated), while brakes are things that turn you off (e.g., stress or body image concerns). Understanding these dynamics helps you manage your own desires better.

Responsive desire is like a dance between your mind and body, where various elements come together to create the perfect rhythm.

Real-Life Examples

Responsive desire can be different for each person:

• Sarah's Story: Sarah doesn't feel aroused until she's already engaged in some form of physical intimacy, like cuddling or kissing. Once she starts, her desire builds, making the experience deeply satisfying.
• Katie's Experience: Katie finds that her sexual interest is piqued when she feels emotionally connected to her partner. After they've spent time talking about their day or sharing a laugh, she's more likely to feel aroused.
• Leslie’s Experience: Leslie feels closer to her partner when she sees him helping with the kids and dinner and dishes and laundry. She feels his appreciation for all she usually does and is more aroused when he chips in. 

These examples show that responsive desire isn't about lacking interest; it's about finding the right conditions to let that interest grow.

Key Takeaways

• Commonness: Many people, especially women, experience responsive rather than spontaneous desire.
• Influence Factors: Situational and emotional elements play important roles.
• Individual Differences: Each person has their own triggers for responsive desire.

Responsive desire changes our perspective on what it means to be sexually interested and active. Instead of seeing it as something that's always there or not at all, we start to appreciate the differences and variations that make our experiences special. By embracing this idea, we give ourselves permission to explore our sexuality with more empathy and understanding, leading to deeper and more satisfying intimate relationships.

Navigating Sexual Desire Changes During Menopause and Perimenopause

Menopause is like that unexpected plot twist in your favorite TV show—sometimes thrilling, sometimes perplexing, but always transformative. When it comes to menopause and libido, it's crucial to understand the various ways menopause can impact your sexual desire and to realize that even though many women do not talk about it, we all go through it and you are not alone and you deserve to feel sexy, desirable and sensual if you wanna!

The Hormonal Roller Coaster

Menopause brings a significant hormonal change. As estrogen levels drop, you might notice your sex drive taking a nosedive. Estrogen isn't just about hot flashes and mood swings; it plays a crucial role in maintaining vaginal health and elasticity. With lower levels of this hormone, you can experience:

• Vaginal dryness can become more prevalent, making sex uncomfortable and less appealing.
• Decreased blood flow to the genital area can result in reduced sensitivity and arousal.
• Lower testosterone levels, another common change, can further diminish libido.

We will chat about it a little later, but if you are feeling any of these symptoms, hormone therapy can help! 

The Psychosocial Impact

As women, we got a lot going on! It's not just hormones causing trouble for your sex drive. Menopause, annoyingly, often happens alongside other midlife stressors that can add to hormone challenges:

• Empty nest syndrome: Your kids have grown up and moved out, leaving you with more time but perhaps less daily purpose.
• Career changes or retirement: Shifts in your professional life can affect how you see yourself and your stress levels.
• Relationship dynamics: Long-term relationships may face new challenges, from growing apart to dealing with aging partners.
• Societal norms and self-image: Body changes and what dumb things society places on those changes may be challenging.

All these things together can create a perfect storm that affects your desire for intimacy. You are a complete person and it is important to take a step back and realize all of the factors at play.

Real Talk: You're Not Alone

So, we have hormones going wild and huge life changes mixing together for our menopause cocktail. Dealing with these changes isn't always easy. Here are some common issues women face during this time:

• Reduced Interest in Sex: It is normal to feel less interested in sex because of discomfort or lack of arousal.
• Mood Swings: The emotional roller coaster of perimenopause can make it hard to get in the mood.
• Body Image Issues: Aging bodies often come with self-doubt, which can affect how attractive you feel. (You are a BABE by the way!)
• Sleep Disturbances: Night sweats and trouble sleeping are real mood killers.

You might feel like you're the only one dealing with these problems, but trust me, you're not alone. Many women go through similar things during perimenopause and menopause. And while this change might feel difficult, it's also a chance for you to grow through these changes to become a version of yourself you love even more! The important thing to remember is this: Understanding these changes is the first step toward getting your sexuality back. Knowing about them gives you the power to deal with them directly.

So let's talk more about some ways you can improve your sexual health during this time!

Enhancing Sexual Vitality: Strategies for Women in Menopause

Emotional Intimacy: The Unseen Catalyst

Maintaining emotional intimacy in relationships can be a game-changer for supporting sexual desire. It's not just about the physical act but the emotional connection that envelops it. Deep conversations, shared experiences, and consistent affection nurture this bond. Think of it as the secret sauce that keeps the spark alive. Foreplay can be all day! In fact, some say foreplay starts right after the last time you were intimate. A great conversation, a supportive act...all that build into a deep emotional and then physical, connection.

Communication and Compromise: Bridging Desire Discrepancy

Mismatched sexual desire, or desire discrepancy, is common among couples. Open communication and compromise are your best allies here. Discussing your needs and listening to your partner's concerns can create a balanced dynamic. Maybe it's about scheduling intimate moments or exploring new ways to connect sexually that work for both of you. Many women have for so long just done it to do it. Now is your time to do it AND enjoy it. Speak up, your partner wants you to feel good too.

If it feels hard or uncomfortable to get the conversation started, know you are not alone. In fact, an article in the NY Times said some would rather divorce than discuss openly about their intimate lives. So it may take a few convos to break the taboos, but its probably easier than finding a good yet affordable lawyer...

Sex Therapy and Education: A Path to Understanding

Sex therapy can offer significant insights into understanding and addressing desire concerns. Whether it's individual counseling or couples therapy, professional guidance helps navigate the emotional and physical aspects of changing sexual desires. And if you are feeling alone in your journey and just need some more info and besties, sites like Oboo (welcome!) provide comprehensive resources tailored to midlife sexual wellness in a judgment-free environment.

Vaginal Wellness: The Core of Sexual Vitality

Vaginal health plays a crucial role in maintaining sexual desire during menopause. Hormonal shifts often bring about changes like dryness or discomfort, which can dampen your libido. Here are some practical tips for optimal vaginal well-being:

• Stay Hydrated: Water is essential for overall health, including vaginal moisture.
• Lubricants and Moisturizers: Organic and natural options maintain your pH balance and can help with dryness.
• Regular Check-ups: Regular visits to your menopause specialist ensure any issues are addressed promptly.
• Pelvic Floor Exercises: Strengthens muscles and enhances blood flow. Hot tip: Orgasms exercise the pelvic floor!

Hormone Therapy: Get the Help, Ladies!  

Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) can be an effective option for managing the symptoms of menopause, including sexual desire changes. Hormone Replacement Therapy involves supplementing estrogen and sometimes progesterone to balance hormonal levels and can help to:

• Alleviate Vaginal Dryness: Estrogen therapy can reduce vaginal dryness, making intimate moments more comfortable and enjoyable.
• Boost Libido: Restoring hormone levels can help rekindle sexual desire that may have waned during menopause.
• Improve Mood: Balanced hormones can enhance overall mood, reducing anxiety or depression that might negatively affect your sex life.

Hormone replacements therapy can be given through systemic options including pills, patches, gels, and sprays that deliver hormones throughout your body; or through local hormone therapy with creams, rings, or tablets that directly target the vaginal area to relieve dryness and discomfort. Whatever type is right for you, a few things to consider: 

• Medical Consultation: Always consult with a healthcare provider to discuss the risks and benefits tailored to your health profile.
• Find an Expert: If it is available to you, opt for a menopause specialist because, crazy stat, 80% of regular gynecologists are not comfortable speaking to menopause.
• Individualized Approach: HRT is not one-size-fits-all. Your treatment should be personalized based on your symptoms and medical history.

Incorporating HRT into your menopause management plan could significantly enhance your sexual wellness and overall quality of life.

Sexual Wellness Tools: Elevating Your Experience

Now to the fun part! Incorporate sexual wellness products to enhance both spontaneous and responsive aspects of desire. Vibrators, arousal balms, and other tools can add an exciting dimension to your intimate life.

• Vibrators: These can stimulate different erogenous zones, adding variety and excitement. And they can help you to understand what you like. With time, things change, maybe there’s a new way to feel pleasure that you never knew before. 
• Arousal Balms: Enhance sensitivity and increase arousal through topical application. Natural and organic Arousal Balms not only provide a little extra zing, but they also help to soothe.
• Libido Drops: In the Mood Libido drops are a blend of natural and organic aphrodisiacs with calming properties to help get you going.

By integrating these strategies into your life, you can tap into a renewed sense of sexual vitality during menopause.

Embracing Your Sexual Journey Beyond Menopause

Sexuality and pleasure are not confined by age or biological changes. Embrace your evolving sexuality at every stage of life, including perimenopause and menopause. This is a time to celebrate the wisdom, confidence, and freedom that come with experience. Reframe the notion of pleasure as a lifelong pursuit. Pleasure has no expiration date. Whether it's discovering new desires or reigniting old ones, your midlife sexual journey can be full of excitement and fulfillment.

Menopause can be a catalyst for midlife reinvention. Exploring new sexual experiences isn't just an option; it's an invitation to rediscover yourself. Engage with platforms like Oboo that support exploration, reinvention, and reignition during this phase.

Pleasure is a lifelong pursuit—unaffected by age or biological changes.

Remember, this journey is about satisfaction without compromise. Don’t shy away from using sexual wellness products or seeking professional advice to enhance your experience. By embracing these changes, you open the door to a vibrant and fulfilling second act in your sexual life.

Just a friendly reminder: This blog is here to share love and knowledge, not to replace your doc! We are not medical providers or experts. For any health questions or medical concerns, always chat with a qualified healthcare professional. Stay fabulous!